Usually when seeing a new doctor, there’s a bit of chitchat and then necessary history. Recently I had an appointment with a new physical therapist. After hearing about the motivation and success of my children, she suggested I write a book. Of course I had to tell her about SheVictory! And before I knew it, I confessed a life event that affected my self esteem: sexual abuse. Now you may think I went too far in the “get to know me” phase of this appointment, but she had questions; and I had answers. Here sat a medical professional whose face had tightened. It was clear she was uncomfortable with the subject but intrigued that I wasn’t afraid of it. Further impressed that I embraced victims, she admitted “It’s great that you can talk about that. I usually just refer them to a doctor more suited to deal with their needs. I just don’t know what to say to them”.
This got me to thinking. Not everyone is trained or even emotionally equipped to swim in such dark waters. Some people say the wrong thing out of fear, personal discomfort, and just plain ole ignorance. Just like not all abuse is the same, not all victims are the same. We range in age, status, race, and even gender. In all cases, it’s crucial to be careful with your words. When you speak out of turn, you can do more harm than good. Here’s a starter list of what not to say. These 6 responses should be avoided if you want to create a safe and open space to talk!
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You don’t LOOK like you’ve been abused. What am I supposed to look like? Should there be a sign on my back? Should I wear a scarlet letter to make my source of pain obvious?
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You don’t ACT like you’ve been abused? Does my laughter somehow cancel my experience? Or am I not allowed to be happy and confident? I won’t let abuse dim my light!
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Did you like it… after awhile? This makes me want to scream! You would think people know that abuse is about power- not sex! If your body starts to sweat in 90 degree weather, is that because you like the heat?
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I’d never let that happen to me! This implies weakness. I used to think people said it out of confidence, but it’s naïve. We all like to think we could get out of any situation or would never be a victim. In reality, no one knows how she will respond in a situation until she’s in it.
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Did you tell anyone? Is my answer some kind of way to gauge truthfulness? If I didn’t tell anyone, does that mean I deserved it or did nothing to stop it? A victim’s decision to tell is often very personal and full of concerns. Is it safe? Who can I trust? What will happen if I tell? Will anyone believe me? How can I just survive this?
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What did you do to make them hurt you? This is probably the most hurtful response. Sadly, these words often confirm what’s already been wrongfully said to the victim: “If you didn’t nag me, I wouldn’t hit you. If you didn’t act stupid, I wouldn’t call you names. If you put some clothes on, I wouldn’t want to touch you. If you weren’t fat, ugly, dumb, sexy,” and the list goes on. Whether abuse is verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual, no one deserves to be hurt nor acts in a way that justifies abuse. It’s never the victim’s fault!
Discussing sexual abuse can be tricky but with sensitivity, compassion, and awareness, it can be done. I can tell you from experience that sometimes just being allowed to share can be both healing and empowering!
So the next time someone needs to talk, don’t pass up an opportunity to shame the shame. If you don’t have anything nice to say, just listen and you will witness the journey from victim to survivor!
If you or someone you know needs help, please consult a professional or click on the links below for more information.
https://www.rainn.org/about-national-sexual-assault-online-hotline
