Yesterday was a pretty difficult day for me emotionally. It marked the 13th year of my mother’s passing. It still feels like I just got the call, but that’s another story.
Ever since Sunday, I’ve been feeling some kind of way. I guess the best way to describe it is: on edge. It seem like any thing could get under my skin. Things that would normally just get a rise out of me, I took to a whole ‘nother level. It seem like just one word would trigger a thought, and I would go on a bashing binge (in my head, of course)! I was feeling moody and kind of disconnected this week, but it wasn’t until Wednesday night that I realized the next day would be her passing- fresh for my heart! That explained everything or so I thought.
See, that date brings up some pretty hard to digest emotions. I feel lost and abandoned. I feel sad and hurt. I also feel happy and accomplished (because she’s ok, and I’m getting through it). So I faced August 10th with my usual uncertainties. What will tomorrow hold? Will I be mopey, or go out to celebrate her? I wasn’t sure; I never am. What I didn’t expect is that no one around me would acknowledge her day. Not a single soul. Ouch! I had to check my calendar to make sure I had the date right. Yep, it was right, but where was everybody? No, I wasn’t being a drama queen. It’s perfectly natural to expect a little extra care on days like these. Instead, I felt alone most of the day. By bedtime, I was hurt and kind of angry. Now, here would be a perfect place for “How to handle your loved ones’ loss” or “Ways to support your grieving friend” and that would be okay- maybe even helpful. But this post isn’t about what YOU can do to help, but what I can do to help myself! FORGIVE!
Wait a minute? The “F” word? What does stupid forgiveness have to do with anything? What about how I feel? What about the hurt, sadness, and loneliness? Doggone it, I’ve been wronged! Uggghhhhhhhh!
Hold on, are we still talking about death? Nope, we’ve transitioned to life! Let me try to make this make sense. Remember when I said I could take a regular situation to a whole ‘nother level? Yeah well if I listen to Delon Patrice, I’d pick out my curb and get my cardboard sign that reads “I’m clearly unimportant and no one cares! God bless!” Or I would pass out tongue lashings that would haunt you in your sleep until comb-overs come back in style! Too far? Um, yes! Too far! When I go beyond ME, and look through God’s eyes, I see that my pain IS justified, AND my response should STILL BE FORGIVENESS!
BUT WHY? It’s simple really. Maybe no one said anything because they were trying to spare my heart. It’s possible that they thought it was best to let me take the lead, and then they would follow. Thirteen years is a long time so maybe they just didn’t know if I still needed support. Whatever the reason, everyone makes mistakes. It’s not always to hurt me, but even when it is, I have to forgive. Forgiveness does not erase my pain, say it’s okay to hurt me, or minimize the offense. Forgiveness gives my heart permission to heal. When my disappointments are my focus, I open the door for struggles with unforgiveness, and minor trespasses become major offenses. It’s not often that I get to be selfish, but God makes it very clear that forgiveness is not for others but, it’s for me! Instead of waiting on people to make me a priority, I make myself a priority-not when I lash out- but when I forgive. Forgiveness is not a feeling; it’s a decision. Not easy, but definitely necessary. I’m ready to open my heart to more love, more life, and peace that passes all understanding!
I wonder if the unsettled rumbling at the beginning of the week hinted of the lesson coming for me today? My God is something else!
August 10th was a difficult day, but it had some sweet moments. I spent the day with my “grandpuddin”, took myself out for some retail therapy (a whole $30), and enjoyed a beautiful drive while popping glazed doughnut holes! I took care of my family and myself, and that’s what my mother would want for me on any day!
Strengthen. Heal. Empower.
For if ye forgive me their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you: but if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. Matthew 6:14-15
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you. Ephesians 4;32
