Embrace the pain? Celebrate? I used to think that anyone who said anything remotely close to that had to be a lunatic. Why in the world would I welcome pain? Was I looking at the phrase all wrong or at the person all wrong? Or both?
When I was a little girl, I was molested. I can remember hiding in the bathroom with the door locked while he sat on the other side telling me what he was going to do to me. His laugh hurt me almost as much as his hands. That gold toothy smile was full of excitement, and seem to snake its way under the door. My eyes used to burn when I heard that he was coming over, knowing that soon it would happen again. I wondered why I was his target. Was it because I was small? Because he knew I was too scared to tell? Or just because he knew the truth about me? That I wasn’t related to him by blood so I didn’t really matter?
Whatever the reason, the pain he inflicted hurt me in places that his hands couldn’t touch. I didn’t know what to call it then but as I got older, it became clear. He put holes in my soul. My self worth was kissed away. It was a distress that I couldn’t point to but could feel even when he wasn’t around.
And I should embrace that pain? What does that even mean? What was I being asked to do? It took years of reflection, discovery, and prayer to get to where I am today with that pain. When I think of the word embrace, I think of hugging. When people reach out to hug me, I have a few choices. I can take them into my bosom which means bringing them into my heart or I can half- heartedly hug them back just for the sake of keeping the peace. Another choice is to allow them to hug me but to keep my arms at my side. No doubt this will pass the message that I am uninterested in what they are offering and not reciprocating. Or I can shove them so hard that they fall flat on their hug! All of this puts me in control of the situation. All of these choices are more than just choices, they are decisions. I have the power to control how I respond when pain puts its arms around me. So do you!
Now I’m not saying that it will feel good or you will like it. To be honest, it makes me think of hugging a pole full of knives that you that you know are going to cut you in pieces. Hugging it sounds ridiculous and yes, maybe it is, but hugging that pole can take you from victim to conqueror. For that you need the mindset of a conqueror. To embrace your pain means to approach it in a way that helps you win. You use it instead of letting it use you. Embracing doesn’t mean that you like what has been done to you, but that you are welcoming the lessons it can teach. Pain can be empowering if your perspective will allow it.
I never accepted being molested. It never should have happened. Nothing I do now will undo what happened. I can’t go back to tell my tell anyone to make it stop, but I can do something now. I can thank God for bringing me through it. I’m already ahead of you. Why am I not asking God why he let it happen in the first place? Believe me, I wondered. I grew up believing in God and that bad things happen to good people. Not because God doesn’t care, but because people don’t. They do what they want and think that they’ll never had to answer for it.
Could it be that there was purpose in my pain? Over the course of my adult life, I have had the opportunity to look little girls in the eye and be real with them. I have shared my story in schools, churches, and even on the bus. I don’t share only what he did, but what I’m doing with it now. I don’t share only what he took, but what God allowed me to gain by the experience. Every time I share it, I dull the tips of those knives. I dull the shame. It was not my fault, but it is MY story. I own it!
Every time I share my story, it isn’t all happy quotes. Sometimes there’s lots of tears and heartache. I still hurt sometimes when I think of what I went through but ultimately, I celebrate. What is there to celebrate? I’m glad you asked. I celebrate that I didn’t lie there and die. I didn’t give up it passing. Somehow I knew it couldn’t last forever. I celebrate that I could trust God to take care of me and could still believe in His love for me. I celebrate that I stopped seeing myself through the molester’s eyes and started seeing all the power God put in me. I learned to embrace my pain and celebrate God’s purpose!
I hope you enjoyed this excerpt from my upcoming book!
Featured Image by Loretta Humble
Strengthen. Heal. Empower.
