We woke up today to another passing by suicide. It baffles us when people take their own lives. Naturally we look for a reason. We look at their bank account, social status, and even family history. Today’s victim was a well renowned chef and writer. It seemed he had the world at his fingertips, but we know differently now.
Some of us can’t relate to the fame and money, but today we see that he was more like us than his tv show revealed. I don’t want to share his story because truthfully, I cant. He took a great deal of it with him. I don’t even want to use his name. Just insert your story here. Insert your name here.
We all have situations in our lives that we feel are so permanent. You think you aren’t going to get out of this one. You will never feel whole. You will never have love. You will never stop hurting. The voices in your head will never stop telling you that you’re worthless or you would be better off dead. You can’t seem to shake the hurtful words people have said about you, let alone the things they did to you.
When I decided to kill myself, I didn’t tell anyone but God. I didn’t feel like I could get through another day of hurt and tears so I prepared a cocktail of pills and set my date. Let me say this, at the time, I had a hard working loving husband and three beautiful sons. I worked at my leisure while caring for my family and our nice home. I attended a church full of love and power. My life had been described as a fairytale, but few took a closer look. They didn’t see the tears that fell down my face when I was alone. They didn’t know how hard I focused to hide my pain. They clapped while I sang, and danced while I preached, but didn’t know my date was approaching. My pills were waiting.
You’re probably wondering WHY I turned to suicide, and I don’t mind telling you. I was dealing with a parent who suffered with paranoid schizophrenia. Being her caregiver wore me down to a place that I would rather give up than continue the physical altercations, verbal abuse, and emotional trauma. To be honest, I don’t know if you can develop mental illness, but I think I did. Or maybe it was always there and I just didn’t know it. Either way, the moment of truth had come and I was ready to go!
I purposely chose the date to be after I attended a women’s retreat. I was asked to sing and I didn’t want to disappoint my pastor. It’s so interesting to me now that I didn’t attend looking for help or freedom. I only wanted to fulfill my obligation and go. On my last day, my pastor extended the retreat into a 3 day revival. Once again I agreed to stick around and I’m so glad that I did! It was in that revival that I asked for help. I asked to be free from the suicide. I asked that God would change my mind. And he did! Freedom came to my mind by way of the outpouring of the Holy Ghost. Looking back, I can see all of the things and people I would have missed. It hurts my heart to admit that I was willing to leave my family, but that just confirms how deeply I was hurting.
I don’t know what you’re facing or feeling today, but I want to encourage you to get help! It’s okay to pray, but do what you can to help yourself. Don’t let shame or stigma talk you out of your destiny. Don’t let it take what God has for you! You have done nothing wrong and you are not alone. Believe it or not, you already know someone who has thought of letting go.
I don’t know your story, but I know that God isn’t done with you! You may be crying today, but those tears are temporary. You will love again. You will be whole again. You are worthy. You matter and your world needs you!
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Photo Image by Eric Gross
