In honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I am sharing again a journey of resolve, tenacity, and strength. If your baby has taken wings, if you’re still waiting to hold your baby, or if your arms are full, please keep reading. You will be blessed.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth. (Source: Resource.org)

Number of women aged 15-44 with impaired fecundity (impaired ability to get pregnant or carry a baby to term): 7.5 million (Source: Center for Disease Control)

I’d like you to meet ONE of the 7.5 million: Tamara B.  I’ve been on the outside peeking in as she has faced infertility.  Sometimes she would pull the curtain back just enough to let me see her pain; other times, the curtain was pulled tight and covered with a smile.  Recently Tamara has embarked upon a campaign of awareness to survive.  She has been comforted with scriptures, condemned with ignorance, and confronted with questions. Today she graciously agrees to share her rollercoaster journey of ups and downs!  Her interview is in no way an attempt to speak for all women but to offer transparency about her own battle. Sometimes knowledge is better absorbed when we can connect a face or experience with it.

SheVictory: What is the term you use when talking about infertility?

Tamara B: Some use “Dealing with Infertility” but I tend to say “Struggling with Infertility.”

SV: When did you know that conceiving would be a problem?

TB:  I knew at about 6 months, but not officially until an unusually heavy cycle, and I was tested for fibroids.  It was scary because my mother had fibroids and had just undergone a hysterectomy.  I didn’t have fibroids, but I did have polyps.   I can’t tell you what all they tested for because to be honest, I intentionally forgot.  I felt like if I dwelled on the tests, then I was putting my faith in that and not in God.  When the results came back,  there was a problem in our ability to reproduce.  I was told to go see fertitily specialist for more test and I went twice and both results were the same bad news.  I was stressed and so discouraged.

SV: What would you say are the top things that people just don’t understand?

TB:

• I wish people would understand that just because I’m hurting or even having a pity party, it doesn’t mean that I don’t trust God! That has been really hard to get people to understand- especially people in the church.  I don’t need you to preach to me.  Just let me have my pity party-now don’t let me stay there but give me my moment. Just because I hurt, that does not mean I don’t trust God.  It means I hurt! If you get in a car accident, I want you to trust God, but I also get that your back hurts! They way I’ve been responded to has certainly made me more cautious about how I respond to others. I am grateful for my husband Lamont who definitely gives me my moment.  

• If you’re a friend or someone close to me who announces your pregnancy, please try to understand my position.  Even though I am happy for you, it is a reminder that that hasn’t happened for me yet. I’m happy on the inside, and I’m trying to express it on the outside.  That’s not always easy.  Someone told me it should be because those same people are believing God with you and for you.  I get that, but that doesn’t make it easy.   Nothing is easy about this–especially when YOU haven’t experienced it.

• Just because I chose not to attend your baby shower, doesn’t mean that I love you any less or that I’m not praying for your happiness and a healthy baby.  I’m just trying to protect my heart. I may have to walk out to fight the tears on Mother’s Day, or stay in bed after the latest negative pregnancy test.

• Be careful what you say (in church).  It’s so easy to say God has a plan and he does, but are you prophesying or encouraging? My faith is pretty strong still, but not everyone’s is. Your words can set people up when they don’t get what you said.  It can turn them from God.

• It would be nice if from time to time people would take the time to ask how I’m doing, especially if you know my struggle.

SV: How did you deal with the month to month survival?

TB: It varied.  Some months I found comfort in planning for my baby.  I’d get on Pinterest to see what to buy or what I need for myself.  I then moved from researching and looking, to buying those things; I even created a nursery.  I probably have everything but a crib and a car seat. After awhile this turned into more heartbreak than encouragement.  I had to stop.

SV:  What helps the most with the whole journey?

TB:  To realize that I’m not alone.  For the first few years I felt so alone because no one talked about it – not at church or work or even in the grocery store so I wouldn’t say anything either. I started talking to a select few that I felt I could just be raw with.  Then I decided to use social media to talk about it.  Alot of times people won’t respond or comment, but that’s okay.  I don’t care if you never respond, I just want someone to see it and know it exists.  Infertility doesn’t care about your gender or race. I also want to let people know that someone else is going through this, and someone who believes God!

Tamara cautions others from making comparisons and minimizing a woman’s struggle. “If you were trying and 4 months went by, how would you feel? Now magnify how you felt at 4 months by 48 months or 84!” Her words rings loudly in my ears as I began to evaluate my own responses in this situation.  Had I ever violated these “words to live by” with my friend? When I said “I understand,” did I really?

I am so grateful for this time with Tamara.  As she spoke, not one tear fell and hit the table. They hit my heart.  I watched her continue to educate me as a crying newborn sat behind her at the very next table.  She didn’t miss a beat.  Though she confessed of days of giving up, this was not one of them.  Instead she said, “In the midst of it all, I just keep telling God that I need a miracle.  It just hasn’t happened YET!”

SV: What do you say to others dealing with infertility?

TB: Find a good support system.  You need people you can be real with.  It’s okay to cry, to be hurt, sad, and even angry!  You decide when to seek treatment and what’s best for you!  Not everyone’s opinion matters.  It’s your life and your money being invested. And remember that awareness is survival.  If you suffer in silence, no one will know how to help you or even know that you need help.

There’s so much more than we can post in one blog.  Don’t miss the follow up posts on “A Man’s Perspective”, “Mrs. T’s Tips” and more.

Let’s cultivate compassion, support, and communication!

UPDATE: Though Tamara and many others are still waiting, Colorado has voted to cover the cost of infertility through health care benefits.  Tamara was instrumental in helping this happen when she told her story on the floor of the Colorado State Capitol in February of this year!

Leave a comment, questions, or even suggestions for the next post. We’d love to hear from you. We also invite you to subscribe below to keep in touch!

Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system. The  World Health Organization, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize infertility as a disease.

If you or a loved one is suffering from infertility, please reach out for help.  You are not alone.  The following links provide both information and resources available.

http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html

https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/infertility.html