Recently I’ve been watching a television show that has taken me back to a dark period in my life.  When I think of all that I was going through, I wonder why few people knew.  Or did they know, but just didn’t know how to help me?  Looking back, I see now that it was like passing a beautifully decorated home during the holiday season.  No matter how slowly you drove, you still only saw what the person inside wanted you to see.  You were focused on sparkling and mesmerizing lights, and you may have even caught a glimpse of the tall matching tree in the window.  But what about the room where that tree stood? Is it possible that there was scraps scattered on the floor? Rips in the carpet? Blood on the wall?  Yeah, completely possible!

Those looking at my life could only see what I presented in the window.  I had a good marriage and growing young sons!  I owned my home, car, and all the trappings of a comfortable life.  So why in the world would I be thinking of killing myself? That’s right, SUICIDE.  While trying to take care of an ailing parent who suffered from mental illness, I became a target.  Her pain manifested itself through verbal, physical, and emotional abuse.  I felt abandoned and left alone to help her.  Since I wasn’t her biological child, I had no right to decisions or assistance to help her.  Did I mention that she lived in my house? Most days, I walked on egg shells trying to keep peace in my home.  Other days, I threw eggs! When our living situation became volatile, and physical, I lost my will to go on.  I just couldn’t seem to figure out a better way.  You may be wondering what kind of mom leaves her children in a bad situation.  To my surprise, I was that kind of mom.  I reasoned within myself that my husband would take better care of them than I ever could.  I just couldn’t take it anymore. If God wouldn’t voluntarily come to me, I would go to him!

Let me be clear, I’m not blaming my mother.  Mental Illness is not voluntary.  No one chooses to be mentally ill.  Who wants to be ostracized, misunderstood, and truthfully, avoided?  My mother was just as much a victim of her circumstance as I was.  We both suffered in our own way.  I don’t know if she ever contemplated suicide.  It’s important to point out that this situation was not my only source of pain.  I was still coming to terms with sexual abuse as a child (by multiple family members), abandonment from my biological mother, and just feeling ugly!

Over the years, so many things were said that took root in my thinking.   I didn’t just believe them, but I lived them.  13 LIES  pulled me away from people that cared, and nudged me closer to my rescue pills!

13 LIES THAT CAN KILL

1. GOD DOESN’T LOVE YOU I always loved God but couldn’t understand how he could love me and let me suffer.  Some may say that they pulled themselves up, and God had nothing to do with it. I can’t and won’t say that.  I’m here because of his love.  It was his love that held my heart at night and caught my silent tears.
2. NO ONE CARES I had to learn that people care from their place of understanding.  We often hold people to a standard of care that they have yet to really experience themselves.  I learned to look for care instead of looking for the lack of care.  If a friend just comes and sits, they care.  They may just say hello, because it’s all they know to offer. SOMEONE SOMEWHERE CARES!
3. YOU ARE WORTHLESS This one was on repeat often.  So many things that I had gone through proved I was nothing.   I measured everyone’s treatment of me by one event. How can I expect anyone to stay if my own mother left me? If she couldn’t find a reason to love me, then no one could.  It was a huge lie! My mother’s love for me was demonstrated when she gave me away to give me a better life.  I had to find my own value. My Worth!
4. YOU ARE ALONE It was easy to believe because I spent so much time alone.  Although I was an outgoing person growing up, I spent most of my time (from age 13) caring for my mother.  I wasn’t socializing like others so I felt very alone. Looking back,  I can see people were there and concerned, but I made myself unavailable.  I was in hiding right in the open.
5. TALKING WON’T HELP Growing up, I was told “what happens at home, stays at home” Why? Because people don’t need to be in your business.  I couldn’t talk about all things that hurt my heart, that cultivated lies, or that broke me. Communication is learned but sometimes, not shared.  I knew “words” but didn’t know how to express pain. So I didn’t. I kept it inside.
6. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT Taking responsibility for our actions is essential to healing, but taking responsibility for others’ actions can kill us.  It was not my fault that I was sexually abused.  Nothing I did or said, made that okay.  I kept quiet because I thought feeling shame meant I must have done something wrong.  I know now that feeling shame was because I actually valued myself, but I allowed the abuse to overshadow the truth. No matter what choice I make, I don’t deserve to die for it!
7. YOU DON’T DESERVE HAPPINESS And why not?  Am I too dark to be happy? Too weird? I never understood why or how I was supposed to be content with being unhappy.  I know not every situation will bring happiness, but I’m still deserving of it. For me, saying it still isn’t as powerful as actually believing it!
8. WORDS DON’T HURT Words have great power- especially when they come from people we value.  Sometimes words can ruin more than just our day.  Hurtful words can attach themselves to our emotions and even our identity.  Words also cut deep when we are starved for positive reinforcement and validation.
9. IF YOU LOVE ME, YOU WON’T HURT ME  Love is indeed perfect, but people are not.  It’s unrealistic to believe we can interact with people and never experience pain. We have to realize that not all actions are intended to hurt us.  When we’ve had so much pain, it’s easy to expect perfection from everyone (though we find it hard to be perfect ourselves).  It’s even easier to forget that there are people in our lives who love us deeply.
10. YOU OWE ME We don’t have a monopoly on disappointment, pain, or tragedy.  Everyone has his share, and none of it is fair.  Therefore, we can not live as if people owe us for what we’ve been through.  It’s true that “broken glass cuts” but it doesn’t have to always be that way.  We can make a conscious effort to correct this mindset and by doing so, correct the behavior.  We can’t wait on others to heal us.  We need to take our pain to God.  If we keep waiting on people to give us what we think they owe us, we give them the power of life and death! Mentally.  Emotionally.  And in some cases, physically.
11. IGNORE IT AND IT WILL GO AWAY Years of ignoring the hurt that took my self-esteem, caused me to make some poor choices in my life.  I didn’t deal with the comments that tore me down, but they didn’t go away.  They just surfaced in my relationships and other interactions. I’m not suggesting confrontation in every case, but at minimum, acknowledgment.
12. YOU WILL NEVER BE ANYTHING This one stung mostly because people seemed to come to this conclusion without any help from me.  My aptitude for learning didn’t seem to matter.  As long as my pedigree remained the same, there was no hope.  I fought that notion with everything within me and sadly, some days I lost.  But I FOUGHT! It took years to hold on to my love for growing, and let go of the limits that were put on me.
13. THIS IS THE END I found out the day I prepared my rescue cocktail that I had been lied to!   My pain felt unbearable.  My situation undeniable.  My family unprotected. BUT THIS WAS NOT THE END FOR ME. If I had given up and taken the concoction, I would have caused so much anguish for those left behind.  My pain would have been passed on and would live on in everyone I touched.

In time, change did come.  While I waited, I put my trust in God. I began to look forward to the big picture, but live moment to moment.  I am not saying this is the case for everyone.  Nor am I suggesting this will change your situation, This is just MY STORY. I almost swallowed all of those lies.  It would have cost me everything.

Life is full of challenges and difficulties that can take over our very will to live.  You are not alone! I hope this has opened your eyes to your own strength and hope. If you need someone to talk to please call the number below.  This national network of local crisis centers provides free and confidential emotional support!