What a wonderful time to be a woman! We have so much independence and control. Education is without limits and choices abound! Even the Oval Office is within our reach. We enjoy both the freedom and the ability to take our lives in new directions. We embrace new relationships, career paths, and locations. Naturally, choosing feels good, but what do you do when saying goodbye isn’t your choice?
While our choices give shape to our world, there are times in life that override our voice and change our world forever. Infertility, illness, divorce, miscarriage, and rejection are just a few losses that force a goodbye upon us. Sometimes we say goodbye to our hopes, our dreams, and just time itself. I find that the passing of my loved ones has been the most difficult goodbye.
The loss of my parents is with me everyday. Uniquely, my parents consisted of my biological mother (Billie), my mama who raised me (Marie), and my bonus love, my Godmother (Waltereen). Sadly one by one, they became ill and forced me to say goodbye repeatedly. Seemed like before I could wrap my mind around starting my day without one, I had to learn to start my day without two. Eventually, I had to learn to get through the day without all three.
I had a very special relationship with each of them. I spoke with my mother Billie often and traveled to Houston every year to see her. I spent every visit laughing or crying or both! Her colorful stories of love and mischief were the threads that stitched our lives to one another. Those vacations provided the time machine I needed to reconnect to my bloodline. It was sometimes painful to hear the hurts in her life, but necessary to understand her heart’s choices. Looking at her was like looking in a mirror. Those visits stopped when cancer told me to say goodbye to my mother. I still visit Houston, but I no longer drive down her street.
My Godmother Waltereen was my spiritual guide and backbone. She took me under her wing as a young person learning about God. She became my first authentic example of HIM. Through her I realized that He was touchable, and He was mine! We saw each other every Sunday because we worshipped together, but that was not all. When I was tired, I laid my head in her lap. When I cried in her arms, she kissed my tears. I called her Mom. She called me “Puddin”. When cancer made another visit, my Sundays changed. I had to clap my hands alone in the sanctuary. I had to teach Sunday school on her scheduled day. I learned to praise God while staring at the empty seat that once held my heart. Another goodbye.
Mama Marie gave me a daily dose of responsibility, determination and courage. I talked to her almost daily. Before her health slowly stole her independence, I visited her every week, sometimes more if she asked. I watched her play with my children, share her cooking shows, and make their favorite snacks. In the last year of her life, I made her favorite dessert, banana pudding and sat to feed her. I kept her company while she played bingo at the nursing home. I braided her hair, and sometimes she would let me paint her fingernails. I had to be quick though. She didn’t like “looking raggedy”. Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease took her last breath, and I had to say goodbye. I continued to wake up with her on my mind, but my phone calls were over.
Over the years, I have learned that time does not heal the wounds left by death. Whether it’s the loss of a family member, sibling, child, or parent, we will never be the same. And why should we? If our love were truly entwined and devoted, then our hearts will show some signs. We are forever changed. I believe it is impossible to truly love and walk away unscathed. Each time I was forced to say goodbye, I felt cheated. No one asked me if I was ready to say goodbye. I had no choice in the matter then, but I do have choices now. And so do you!
1) Choose to Feel You don’t have to ignore the ache in your heart. It’s simply a sign that you love and you have been loved!
2) Choose to Remember You don’t have to stop talking about your loved ones. Memories are the heart’s way of keeping us close to those we miss. They live on when we remember.
3) Choose to Be Happy You don’t have to feel guilty when you find yourself smiling or feeling joy again. They would want happiness for you.
4) Choose to Move On Moving on is both natural and necessary, but it doesn’t mean we have to let go.
We were created to love and to feel deeply. Though it has been 12 years since my mother Billie passed, I still wake up ready to call her. I still miss her voice. Five years after Mom Waltereen, I still see her in church praising God. I still hear her sweet soft laugh and see her toss her beautiful hair. We’re now 3 years from Mama Marie’s last bingo game, I still wake up ready to make her favorite dessert.
It may seem odd to some that I still cry, but I have made a decision. A choice really. I don’t care! I wasn’t given the choice to say goodbye, but I will never let my parents go. The impact they made on my life will forever be visible to my heart. I won’t forget them to make others comfortable. I will remember with love and let my heart feel them afresh. I will smile when I hear their favorite songs. I will let the tears fall. I will take their love into the next day. I won’t forget. I won’t let go.
I thank my God upon every remembrance of you. Philippians 1:3
